The Family and Friends Survey

SARAH | Drug & Alcohol services professional
Having a family member or friend who uses drugs or alcohol can have a significant impact on your physical, mental and social well-being and functioning. Some people may feel alone, others may feel stuck or lost at what to do. There are various support services and programs that can be accessed. The following video will explore the lived experiences of carers, where to find support, how to access services, what different services offer, and the importance of self-care.

PAULA | Carer/family/friend
I was looking for something that would give me hope, yes, hope for my loved one as well,l but more hope for me and that there was life outside of that role. I got to a point where I knew that I was sliding, knew that my mental health was suffering, terribly. And I was at a point where either I had to get help or I was going to go under, and I don't know what that would have looked like. and I knew I couldn't go on like that. I think that's what a lot of carers feel, they feel isolated.

MICK | Carer/family/friend
I feel like the group support got me through some really dark times, just knowing that there was going to be another meeting in a few weeks, and that um the future thinking that it wasn't just an empty dark tunnel, that there was another stepping stone, that there was another supportive connection down the track it was really useful. And without them I think I would have had so little an idea of what to do, it was helpfully helpful that sense of acceptance, that sense of understanding, a sense of acknowledgment and the simplicity of it.

SARAH | Drug & Alcohol services professional
Accessing support service accessing Support Services is crucial. Many carers have voiced their experiences in accessing supports, specifically when it feels like you're isolated or alone along the Journey of caring for your loved one, it is important to look after ourselves first so that we can be effective and present for a loved one who may be struggling.

PAULA | Carer/family/friend
Well the fact that I actually found something eventually that was about me just totally blew my mind it's like oh my gosh I can't believe somebody is actually asking me how I'm doing, or asking me what do I need, that was just mind-blowing that somebody cared about what was happening was having an effect on me. I think it's important for me to get help and support from a service or a person who has an understanding either through their own personal experience or through their profession, of the substance abuse. Because they're able to put perspective on things. It validates the decisions and the choices and the life that I have had. What I love about the Smart Recovery Family and Friends is that sharing of ideas. I may say something, and someone will say well yeah that kind of thing has happened to me this is how I dealt, with it this is what I think about it.

MICK | Carer/family/friend
Well I think that was the sort of opening of a door to my understanding that these services are available. um I didn't know who to talk to, I was feeling embarrassed and ashamed and angry and resentful and all these things. It was just a massive emotion which was really helped by having someone to talk them through with, ah, so that was crucial that that was the people that spoke to me and normalized my situation with me. I had this sort of self-centred view of it, that I was the one that was doing things right and they were the ones doing things wrong. And um in fact, if I'm going to support them in changing I need to change too, because it's a dynamic that the family dynamic is part of the whole process.

IRINA | Support Service Officer
If people know that there are strategies that you can use that may or may not be a catalyst for their loved one the seek help, I think that gives some hope as well. The program is one of the things and people being welcome to come in and out of maintaining contact. Like even if it's just that you stay on an email list, then you get to that point of desperation where you just want to connect with someone. We've had people who we may not have seen for 10 years, but something will happen and they're happy to reconnect, because there's been an ongoing, even if it's minimal contact, and they know that people still think of them and feel that they're a part of a whole.  There's amazing acceptance and authenticity in the groups. People are very attentive they've learned listening skills. It's not just about sitting around and telling your story, there are skills and strategies that we work with. I think it's about how you frame it for yourself. You can frame it as I'm making a choice for their benefit as well as mine, I think that's an important distinction. People should have a choice as to what suits they needs and at different parts and times of their journey. You might go from one service to another, or you might use both at the same time and there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's up to the person that's going through that, and only they know what works for them.

Lived experience of accessing support services

SARAH | Drug & Alcohol services professional
Support is different for everyone, therefore there are a variety of support options available, these may be face-to-face, individual, group or over the telephone. Sometimes family and friends prefer to use one service, and others prefer to engage in multiple services. There is no right or wrong only what works best for you.

PAULA | Carer/family/friend
Once I joined the Smart Recovery Family and Friends group and from there I realized I was able to get my own counselling services through them, which you don't realize that that's available, but looking back on it I absolutely was at risk. I didn't have a very wide circle of people who knew my situation, or this situation that we were in. It wasn't until I started the group that I kind of heard other people mention services that they'd found. It's purely people just digging, digging and digging and digging and trying to find something that they think might be helpful.

CHRISTINE | Carer/family/friend
I went to a number of Al-Anon meetings, I also started to do a lot of self-improvement. So reading self-help books and stuff like that. And part of that was not my loved one's issue. It was just more of my own growth as I was going along in my own journey. But those things helped a great deal. Those people in particular were very good helping me to understand this was not my fault. I also found family drug support. They had helped me a lot to look at myself. What happened in all that self-development work helped me to really look at the problem in a completely different way, and be able to actually build a different kind of relationships. It doesn't solve the problem, but it actually really builds a much better connection. This is what helps the changes. The whole journey was extreme trial and error and continuously I learned little things. I tried little things, sometimes they worked then they didn't. Sometimes I didn't give them enough time so I needed to go back and try those again, would have to practice things.

ALEX | Carer/family/friend
I found out about Stride I get emails from them telling me what they've got on offer like what courses and things they're doing. I do go along to the ones that concerned me. I go to a carers coffee morning, and it was purely focused on the carer, and learning to look after yourself. And I think that they're very aware of how much stress, that mental illnesses puts on carers, how it affects your life and coming to terms with it. Just through chatting and everything I came to learn that a lot of people have got problems like mine. And just to have a morning out where you are with people who understand your problems and there is no judgment.

MICK | Carer/family/friend
Getting to a point where I felt like these people are not running away, um they're not disparaging, they're not blaming, they're actually just listening and facilitating me finding some direction in my sort of sustained panic.  The fact that there was a sort of onward referral mechanism I really found useful. I mean that I wasn't feeling like my back was against the wall, um that sense of the possibility of some forward movement,  it was really helpful. It was a sense of that sort of wrap-around of possible service provision that I felt was useful, yeah, that that there wasn't, well we weren't all working in a vacuum, that we're working in a sort of parallel universes, that were all heading in the same sort of direction without interfering with each other, which felt good. I didn't have this sort of feeling like what I was going through was a big enough problem.

ALEX | Carer/family/friend
Through Family Drug Support and through things like this,s I'm learning now not to feel responsible for my loved one. I and I think that's been a big thing and it's been a hard process. There is a lot of information online as you know with Alcohol and Drug Information Service New South Wales, and other alcohol and drug groups, there's lots and lots of information online and you get overwhelmed with that information, and parents need to know, carers need to know, that they can't do it all themselves. We're a lighthouse we are not going to jump in and rescue them all of the time, we've got to stand by the shore and be a light and stay firm.

MARGARET | Carer/family/friend
It's not just the person and they really advocate for their clients to really link in with family, and pull those protective factors and really utilize those in your recovery journey. And that's what I really loved, because I think everywhere I was kind of just honed in on that one problem, which is good, because sometimes you just need to really direct all your energy into that one thing. But I really like that holistic approach and I really really think it's helpful. They had a lot of resources and a lot of services to offer which is what you need, because sometimes you just feel like in such a rut I guess.

Looking after yourself

SARAH | Drug & Alcohol services professional
Looking after ourselves might seem selfish, but it is actually the opposite. If we look after ourselves we're in the best shape to look after others. What we do to look after ourselves might differ from person to person, but may include accessing counselling, talking to friends, exercise, eating a nutritious meal, meditation or having a massage. Self-care is a commitment to yourself and helps build resilience.

CHRISTINE | Carer/family/friend
To sit in the guilt or sit in my fault wasn't going to help the situation. That was huge. I think that was a really big thing. Did those guilts and things still come up? Absolutely. But really that understanding that this is not my fault and this can happen to anyone was a bit of a relief. I didn't seek counselling because it wasn't my problem. Well, it was my thought pattern. Why would I need counselling? Somebody else has got the problem, it didn't really enter my head. A lot of the time I believe that carers don't even realise just how much they're suffering because it's so busy trying to solve the problem. Never love anyone or anything greater than the love of yourself. It was painful and it is hard and it's not an easy journey. But to actually take care of yourself is and that's what I would say to carers. Get education, get support, get help, and taking care of yourself is the most valuable thing that you can do for your person. It is not an intertwined journey, it is a side by side.

PAULA | Carer/family/friend
I could be happy, I could live and breathe again. When my loved one is good I'm good, but when my loved one is bad I'm bad. That still happens but what I've learned is to change my own thinking, my own perceptions and expectations. I'm able to breathe, I can breathe now. I look to the future of what I want to do, rather than my gosh what's going to happen to my loved one. Yes I've come an incredible way on my journey. I know it's still going to keep going, there's no end date on this at all.  I think through the journey you need to change. What I needed at the very beginning was just someone, anyone to hear and acknowledge me and I found that, and I've worked through so many things.

CHRISTINE | Carer/family/friend
I started slowly to try and seek some help for my state of mind. I did focus more on making sure that I took care of myself. So just health-wise, I think that the most supportive thing was really the learning of taking care. You know that I take care of myself as much as humanly possible, which didn't mean that I didn't still go through the anxiety and the pain and all of that. Now I've gone for more counselling and I've come to understand things more. I've got more formal support, so I'm actually more strong and more resilient within myself.

MARGARET | Carer/family/friend
Setting boundaries is really important as well because you get so consumed in it. In taking time for self-care because it's really a lot it's a lot for anyone, especially a teenager or a child or an adult that's got care burnout. So setting boundaries,s being assertive, and self-care were my three skills that I had to learn and to implement in my everyday life as a carer. Just sit, relax, you do anything on that day, that kind of what you feel like you need to do in terms of self-care, even if it's 15 minutes it's better than not doing anything at all.

PAULA | Carer/family/friend
I can't just stop and stay where I am, I need to completely rebuild and learn, learn how to live and be okay with things how they are now. Services are there and that it's not just for the loved one, that there's something there for you, because I think that if I had found that early on I think the journey would have been much different, much much different.  Forgive yourself. Dealing with or coping with the loss - though it's not really a loss but it's what could have been - and accepting what is now.

Get support

SARAH | Drug & Alcohol services professional
Sometimes people fear judgment or have a sense of shame and this can deter them from accessing services. Some carers can feel like they are stuck and have nowhere to turn. These emotions are common. Carers have not caused their problems but have to problem-solve in the best way they can. It is easy to become focused on a loved one and forget about doing things for yourself. Many carers feel burnt out and feel like the small tasks they did to support themselves, may be useless or unimportant. However, this couldn't be further from the truth. Accessing support and addressing one's well-being is important. Pain and anxiety are going to be present even If you're receiving support. However, the suffering that comes from the experience of pain and anxiety can be decreased through engaging in and accessing support in different groups. While you cannot change the reality of the situation, we can choose the way we address it and to decrease the struggle we might experience. Being a carer can be challenging, however, you do not have to be alone on the journey. As discussed with the experiences of people in this video, there are several services available that meet the different needs of carers. Their stories have highlighted the benefits of reaching out for support and these have included opportunities to learn coping strategies, build social connection, and to have a focus on oneself and well-being. When you access support you will have professionals and others with a shared understanding to connect with to help you along the way.